25/07/2014

SUICIDE NOTE



There is nothing for me.
Not then, not now, not to come.
All hope has drained away.
I am just so very tired.
Living has become a struggle.
A battle just to believe.
What is happiness, but a lie?
I am down trodden.
Fear has consumed all that I am.
It is the rising tide.
The thing that is pulling me down and away.
The silence is deafening.
Left alone to drown within myself.
What is compassion?
I just do not care.
Let go, I will walk away.
Love?!
Another lie that I will not believe in any more.
I am broken.
I am damaged beyond repair.
I cannot be fixed.
I don't really want to be.
It is of no consequence any way.
I will let the darkness take me now.
I will give in.
I will walk into the bitter cold.
The night that awaits me.
I will take what is mine no more.
Death is its own reward.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

6 comments:

  1. No hope is offered here. Blunt, true, but contextual.
    This is an illustration of the hopelessness hat leads one to take one's own life.
    Born from weakness? It matters not.
    This is for whomever has felt this, or feels this, or may feel this. This is for whomever does not, cannot, will not understand.

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    Replies
    1. Just A Little Ramble...

      I understand that there is no encouragement here in this verse. It's just painfully blunt. I have felt this. As Trusty said, it gets to that point for many Christians who are suffering that; only one reason to stay here, because God has not released us. For those who were not able to continue to commit to that, I believe that the loving wings of God's glory embraced them as they left, because they could not do any better. God is forgiving, through our faith in the Blood of Jesus Christ.

      I wish that I could meet with many of my friends on the Net. The WWW is a wonderful place to connect, across distance, all boundaries, all lines are erased. But cyberspace is cruel also, in that we connect from far away, and when the need to meet physically is felt, there is not a lot of hope for that. It's a double-edged sword, online friendship.

      I wish I could hold group healing sessions for us who are suffering so much mentally and emotionally. Then I wonder, how would I manage an undertaking like that, with all of the different personalities, illnesses, challenges and attitudes, including my own? Is my desire too idealistic? Maybe. Is friendship enough to manage that type of congregation and interaction? Maybe it is not :( But I do know that if I ever had the chance to reach out like that, God is able, through his Spirit, to make it be a blessing to everyone he places there. I wish Christians who are trained in those things would host more free and easily accessible group sessions for healing. Maybe it's time to pray for that. Prayer answers all things.

      Still, I thank God for my friends on the internet, and I think Him for the skill of writing, which he has so graciously blessed me. These are 2 things that have helped me immensely.

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  2. Some people will never understand. I've come to realize that is THEIR malfunction, not mine. I had people there for me in spirit, but people were either too afraid or misunderstanding, or just plain mean, to be there for me when I tried in November 2012, and during my suicidal thought process. It is the most awful, painful feeling to be alone when you already feel that way and want to sleep forever. If only people who SAY they'd be there would actually step up to the plate when the time comes.

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  3. Well, i just wrote a novel response, but it disappeared when i pressed "publish". So, that must mean I wrote too much. In shortened perspective...Philippians 1: 22-24 explains my reconciled thoughts about about wanting to check out of human life-ville. Either way, God will love us. The only reason to stay on Earth is to follow God's will. His will is to be filled with love through His Spirit. It's my experience that to do that means asking God for that, especially when we wake up with a million ton elephant of sorrow, pain, regret and depression sitting on top of our head and chest. Listening to Klove.com (Christian music) online HELPS that elephant disappear. When God's Spirit fills my mind through Spirit songs...I WANT TO LOVE EVERYONE, including myself...whether i live or die is not an issue anymore...I'm full of eternal love to express and my brain gets reset to live with a thankful heart for new found strength of will...to remain in whatsoever state i'm in.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Trusty McBee. All comments are moderated by me then I choose whether to publish them. I appreciate taking the time to share your thoughts.

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    2. God help us. Help us to help each other. Trusty, this is so spot on, especially the first sentence "...The only reason to stay on Earth is to follow God's will. His will is to be filled with love through His Spirit. It's my experience that to do that means asking God for that, especially when we wake up with a million ton elephant of sorrow, pain, regret and depression sitting on top of our head and chest..."

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